Getting Older

You Know You’re Getting Old When …

-“25 Years Ago Today…” is your favorite part of the paper.
-A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
-All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
-Almost everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
-At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
-Dialing long-distance wears you out.
-Everything either dries up or leaks.
-Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
-“Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
-“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
-Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-Happy hour is a nap.
-It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-It takes twice as long – to look half as good.
-It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
-The girls at the office start confiding in you.
-The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
-The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
-“Tying one on” means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
-Work is a lot less fun … and fun a lot more work.
-You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
-You burn the midnight oil around 9:00 P.M.
-You choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
-You don’t care where your spouse goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
-You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
-You get winded playing games on the computer.
-You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
-You have a choice of two temptations … You choose the one that will get you home earlier.
-You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
-You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
-You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
-You say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
-You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
-You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
-You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
-You stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
-You stop buying green bananas.
-You stop growing at both ends and begin to grow in the middle. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
-You wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
-You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
-You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
-You write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
-Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
-Your back goes out more often than you do.
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
-Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
-Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
-Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
-Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.
-Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
-Your secrets are safe with your friends. They they can’t remember them either.
-Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, pick one … I can’t do both!”
-Your wife gives up fooling around for Lent and you don’t realize it until the 4th of July.
-You’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.
-You’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
-You’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

SOME GREAT THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLDER

* Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you – unless you are filthy rich.
* It’s harder for sexual harassment charges to stick (but don’t mind doing it)
* If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won’t get much worse.
* Things you buy now won’t wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.