Hilong-Hilo

Hilong-hilo na talaga ako sa ka iikot at kadadrive lately. Laging naghahabol sa oras para magawa lahat ang dapat gawin. Pati lunch break di ko na makuhang umupo, kaya kumakain habang naglalakad papunta sa kong saan man yong dapat kong puntahan. My eyebags are getting bigger dahil laging kulang sa tulog. Papaano naman kasi, I have to work my clients order at night habang tulog na lahat ang mga sakop ko dito sa bahay. Recently, I sleep at 1:00 A.M or 2:00 and have to get up at 6:00 A.M. So talagang kulang ako sa tulog kaya paligsahan sa paglaki ang aking mga eyebags. I’m just wondering how I managed to stay awake during my classes. Sabagay, learning multimedia is something really very interesting. Yesterday, the school director told us that they are offering a new module which is PHP programming. Since noon ko pa gustong matuto nito, I of course added this to my learning plan kahit super tight na ang schedule ko. Haay, ang hirap ng matandang TH! Minsan when I felt so tired, I can’t avoid asking myself what is it I really want to prove and why I’m doing this at all. Hehehe, the spirit is willing baga but the flesh is very weak na. Jesus Christ, kasisimula ko pa lang na pumasok nagrereklamo na ako. Well, I think talagang ganyan lang kapag pagod…kong anik-anik na ang naiisip. But hey, it never came to my mind to give up. I have to study webdesigning properly for our plan of retiring in the Philippines in the nearest future. Hubby could be a retiree by then, but not me noh. I’m still too young (ubo ubo) to play sitting pretty aging princess ng mga dwarfs. Kaya ngayon palang kailangan ko ng mag gather ng mga resources para sa aking mga binabalak na gimik by the time we are there. In let say ten years bale 55 years old na ako…abangan niyo nalang ang advertisement sa Google na Lola Basyang’s Webdesign And Web Hosting. O say niyo? Vagay na vagay di va? Kailangan ko pang mag-isip ng firm slogan na mag match dito.

From this month to March ay may event pala dito sa amin, it’s just a small time event but worth mentioning. Like for example Papa G. will be turning 50 years old na this coming Friday, January 12. Here in Germany, they usually celebrate 50th beerday with a big bang dahil over the hills na nga. But Papa G. na medyo may pagka anti-social eh ayaw magpaparty. He even filed a day off on the date of his birthday para lang maiwasan ang mga gratulants doon sa kanyang clinic. He even warned me earnestly not to make a surprise party orlese giyera patani daw kami. Grrrrr! Eh di kong ayaw, di huwag. Wala na talagang makakalamang sa tigas ng ulo nitong asawa ko.

Coming Feb. 2 naman, Gillian will turn 4 years old. Nakakalungkot isipin na ang aking baby boy ay nagiging big boy na. I missed those days na lagi siyang nakacuddle sa akin, he turned masungit na nga ngayon at ayaw ng magpahalik sa mommy niya. He enjoys Kindergarten a lot and I am glad it turns out well, dahil may ibang mga bata doon na nag-iiyak at gustong umuwi.

This coming March 8, o yong iba diyan…alam niyo pa ba? Hehehe, I hate to tell you this pero kailangan niyo ring malaman na I’m getting over the hills na rin. Si yours trulily niyo ay maging 45 na. Araaay! Patanda na akesh ng patanda, hindi na ba maawat ang process na ito? When I was young, I never understood why those aging women kept on complaining about their age and things that comes along with it. To me, they sound panicky, insecured and fretful. And now I am turning to be like them kaya naintindihan ko na ang kanilang mga anxieties. Hindi ko sinasadyang magkakaroon ng feeling nang panghihinayang at takot na para bang bilang nalang ang oras ko sa mundong ito. I felt like a candle that is burning out. Yes, alam kong talagang ganito ang takbo ng buhay. But just the same, parang mahirap tanggapin at harapin. No matter how hard I try to console and convince myself na ganun nga, still nasa kalooban ko pa rin ang feeling na ito. Oh well, c’est la vie ika nga ng mga french.

Regarding the celebration, at first I planned to held it in Miltenberg. This is the place where I lived 17 years long before I met Papa G. Balak sana namin na doon dahil majority ng mga iimbitahin kong guests are residing there. It would be impossible for us to accomodate more than 30 people if we will held it here at home. Hubby told me to make a guests list. I did as I was told and at the end, I got 64 people listed. Well, kasama na siyempre sa listahan ang mga asawa nila at mga anak (small kids not yet counted) and some of their Filipino relatives. A friend of mine from there said that I don’t have to invite those people I really don’t feel like inviting. But I’m afraid na baka sasama ang loob ng mga ito. I know that some people on my list are not worth inviting due to some reasons. Pero dahil kamag-anak siya o sila ng isa o dalawang tao na iimbitahin ko, I feel like I am oblige to invite the person too para walang masabi. I’d been thinking about this coming event over and over again, then I end up asking myself if it’s really worth spending a lot of money just to celebrate in Miltenberg with those people whom I silently hate.

Ann, Norena, Genie and Milanie, please don’t get me wrong…you all know what I mean. Hindi kayo ang tinutukoy ko dito.

Para sa akin kasi, once I invite a friend to join our family event, this means they are given the privilege to take part of our life. Do I sound arrogant? I simply can not grant everyone my trust, knowing that some people are sneaky. So therefore, it just don’t make sense if I will held the party there if I have to break my principles, just for Pete’s sake. Some of you might not undestand what I’m talking here, but see I have my reason which I don’t want to discuss here.

I don’t know if I’m making sense at all. But I decided to celebrate my birthday on the 10th of March here in our residence, with my close friends just like last year. I am sure mas ma enjoy ko ang company nang iilang tao na talagang taos puso kong tanggap na tutuong kaibigan. I’m just being honest and I think there’s nothing wrong with that. Fact is, when one is getting old…one prefers the quality of friendship and not the quantity. I have learned a lot of lessons from the past and the past should be enough. Gush, I’m getting melodramatic! Sorry, I got carried away by my emotion.

Beng

Beng Hafner is my name. Well, most of you know that already. I am a mother of 3 and a granny of 3 cute kids. I am proud to be who I am and I am proud of the way I am. I am alive because I have a lot to live for. I have many dreams that I wish to reach for and I have many journeys to make. My life is like a soap opera, and you are the audience.

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